| and one for the public |
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| 07:59am 13/09/2004 |
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mood:  crushed
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this past week has been very, very long.... can i emphasize long? anyway not that anyone will care... ive been really stressed out because ive been moving someone up here, havent been getting enough sleep either (3-4 hrs max every night) and staying up far too late every night trying to get things done that arent really nescessary. i dont have a stable connection to the internet anymore because of a 2nd network in the building that my computer wants to connect to no matter what i tell it to connect to so it looks like i may need to get the net on my own (another 80$ a month i really cant afford). my bills have just jumped in denomination... i have 2 cells to pay, rent, food, gas (for a car im not allowed to drive *not like i just got my permit or anything either*), and anything else that has to get purchased for the house. if i throw the internet into that mix im looking at just 1 full check (if not more) being thrown towards just bills. i make over 1000$ a month i shouldnt have to be broke every paycheck but never the less im constantly struggling to just survive. i thought originally this whole move from california was to go somewhere that i wouldnt be just surviving paycheck to paycheck and that id have $ to put away and save towards what i need and want...instead its just the same old world, new people in it, new job, and new circumstances..... lol sounds like just a big bitching session right? not that anyone ever really will care about how i feel and all. honestly i just feel like finding a big building and jumping so i dont have to feel like i do constantly, i feel like im failing in everything that im doing, and that i can never spend enough money to make anyone happy when ive been trying desperatly for months. oh well i should get off of here (not on my computer) and just go and force myself to sleep again (i forced myself to sleep at 8 and slept thru til 6am and its now 8am again) and will try and sleep until im woken up to do something....if that even happens.... :: sigh ::
:: wonders off into the fog once more and tries to sleep everything away again :: |
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| failure once again |
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| 07:15pm 02/09/2004 |
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mood:  exhausted music: Godzilla on tv
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yesterday started off like any other day, it consisted of waking up, going to work, doing something im miserable doing for 8 hrs, then going home. cept this time i went to wal-mart and did something nice for myself for once. i spent 50$ on dvds because i did good at work, i got a pokemon dvd, black beauty, godzilla, what women want, final destination 2, and pay if foward. i went home after and watched the pokemon dvd with my roommate and we ate pizza til i got a call from another friend and headed out to the mall and got her a coat jacket for her interview that she had today. after we did that we took the recycling (there was over 100 beer bottles alone which pissed me the hell off) and i went home. by this time it was after 11pm i was tired but i had to attempt to get the network back up so i could connect to the internet. i spent about an hr fighting with it before i gave up and decided just to watch pay it foward. at this point i got a call and talked to someone for about 15 mins before they had to work, so i watched the movie and finished it before they gave a call back. i spent an hr on the phone miserable because i kept feeling like nothing i was saying mattered at all to them and they started to get pissed at me and i finally just didnt care anymore so i hung up and threw the phone across the room. of course the cover came off and the battery went flying but i left it alone for over an hr (5am at this point) and put it back together and laid in bed until after 8 am before i could fall asleep. i was woken up at 3:30 by my roommate because we had originally planned to go to the dmv so i can get an id or a permit but i wasnt in the mood so she went by herself and i headed up to see if i could fix the network. i ended up renaming it but that didnt solve anything, we cant see the network up there or connect to it down here but it appers the other network is allowing us online. after i did that i rearranged my room to try and let some of my frustration out, i moved the bed, comp desk, tv and game systems around after i vacumed of course. at this point it was 5pm no big, so i put in godzilla and started watching that while i started a few things on my computer. ellen got back home so i brought up food from the car and put the stuff away and came back to my room and continued to watch godzilla and waited for the soup to get done before i ate it. i just finished the soup and godzilla is almost over....i think i'll probably force myself to go back to sleep since i just cant handle being awake anymore...all i want is to just sleep when im not at work breaking myself in half to make money for shit i cant even spend it on...oh well no one gives a damn about me or the way i feel so why should i? |
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| drugs are good mmmkay? |
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| 06:40pm 29/08/2004 |
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mood:  sick
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i went to the er after work today because i wasnt doing all that good, i got an alergic reaction to whatever either bit me or stung me and i got 4 diffrents meds to take over the next 6 days. :: sigh :: i admit the past few days ive been unbareable, and attacked several people and said things that werent ment, altho i can only say im sorry i will never be able to undo the hurt i have caused those i care about...all i can do is try to move on and make up for it somehow...if im able to that is. oh well i need to takes these damned meds and lay down for a bit but i should start feeling better soon...i just need to figure out how i can start helping myself and stop hurting those i love around me instead of hurting them because im hurting... |
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| interesting... |
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| 05:13pm 28/08/2004 |
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mood: sick music: The Goo Goo Dolls - Here Is Gone
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woke up this morning with what felt like a bruise on mah arm but upon looking at it further it was like a tiny zit but all red and swollen up. so after showing my roommate we decided something had bit me in the middle of the night. it was burning and itchy and hurt like i had a bruise at this point so i just tried to ignore it. when i got to work i got out one of my pins and popped the little head and puss just started seeping out for a few mins and the swelling seemed to go down but when i looked at it like an hr later it was all hella red and raised up off of my skin by like a quarter inch and has spread in diamater to about 3 inches round. the middle is all red and inflamed and hotter than hell and is burning like a mother fucker. but anyway it started getting little dots and shtuff all around the edges of it before i left work and right now im a little lightheaded and tired so im just gonna crash...if im lucky somethin deadly got to me last night and the poison is just sinking in..... (not that anyone else would find it benifitial if was something deadly cides me) anyway im going to bed so later.... |
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| passing ideas... |
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| 03:23am 20/07/2004 |
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mood:  discontent music: Sarah McLachlan - Good Enough
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having nothing but haunting thoughts and memories are causing me to faulter. i am becoming more and more withdrawn into myself, defensive, and suicidal worse than its been in a long time...its the feeling of not belonging when i am desperate to belong where i am not welcomed by those i am wanting to belong near. its killing me...words that should not cut, cut my fragile skin so deeply and the wounds are becoming to much to stop from bleeding...people from my past that arent suposed to care are trying to push that they care...trying to leave them behind isnt becoming possible when they thrust themselves back into my life...i am at a loss as to where i belong...i dont know that i made the right decisions anymore...i am falling and i dont know where i am going to land...i fear that where i will land is upon shattered glass and broken dreams that i have let go of...
:: wonders back into time to become lost once more ::
Schala |
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| a day in mah life |
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| 06:07pm 14/07/2004 |
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mood:  drained music: Kaijin - Chrono Cross Radical Dreamers Angelic OC ReMix
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7:10am
woke up after getting into bed after 5am and got ready and went to work. trying desperatly to wake up for an hr i finally snapped out of my sleepiness at around 8:30 and began to feel better being awake and all. as the day went on it was a good day, i ended up catching ed an abra in the granite cave finally after losing 1 premier ball, great balls. i leveled up my torchic to 17 which it evolved into combusken at 15 learning double kick at the evolve. lets see. i also caught a geodude, leveled up my beautifly to 15, its turning into a nasty girl, and ive just started on leveling up my ralts who is at 14 i believe. after i get a female geodude and sable eye i believe that will be all i can catch in the cave. oh yea somehow i need to manage to grab a female abra as well since i caught 2 males already (mines at 10 while eds is at 9) getting thru work everyday seems to be getting easier since i started playing sapphire during work...i supose it distracts my mind long enough so that i forget what im doing with the calls to make the day pass more quickly. altho i dont know sometimes if i really want the days to pass quicker even tho its nice that they do... lately everything ive been doing seems to blur together. it doesnt seem like its been almost 7 months since ive moved out here to wv but i think getting a job within the month from moving has also sped up time because im not layin around doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself...well not all day at least 9 hrs is spent working... hmm i dont know i thought writing would bring me out of feeling depressed but i guess i was wrong. anyway tis time i end this babbling and head back to hoenn to pass more time until i feel better.
:: dissapears back into the fog of lavos ::
schala |
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| pondering thoughts |
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| 01:20am 14/07/2004 |
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mood:  melancholy music: Scott Peeples - Chrono Cross Another Inspiration OC ReMix
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i woke up this morning and i was happy ( a fleeting thing for the past 7 months ) i went to work not tired, i wanted to be there instead of at home or somewhere else, i go thru the day happy....every thing seemed normal just for a breifly fleeting moment....until when you ask? meh the exact moment is undetermanable and not the underlined issues i believe. what i believed to be happiness seems to have faded away into the unhappiness of the everyday life i have been living for what seems likes forever and beyond forever. i believe that my soul has been wounded before it came to live inside of me and the pain still lingers deep within because i feel a deep sorrow every moment that i am away that i just cannot place. i do not know if it is my own or if it is both of ours but it pains me second by second even tho it has become so deeply suppressed it hard to detect unless something happenes to remind me breifly of it. unfortunatly there is someone in my life that always brings me great pain and sorrow because they are constantly struggling and seeking help and a sence of belonging....something i can touch basis with because i to am struggling to do just that. its painful to know anyone that you care about is in pain and trying to struggle like you are and it sometimes brings me more pain and sorrow that i can bear to admit. i recall back in may i was feeling so much pain and sorrow that i ended up doing something stupid, unlike yet similar to what i always to do drowned out the pain. i was drinking and i was hurting so i said fuck it and went and took over 20 sleeping pills and continued to drink. needless to say i blacked out several times, ended up being nauseated and light headed, and woozy for 4 days afterwards. yet what pains me is i am now looking back at that moment and thinking to myself "if only i had taken a few more i wouldnt have to be here causing so much pain to the ones that i want so desperatly to help but cannont". i dont know if that is something that i can ever stop thinking about....a big piece of me...more like all of me feels that i do not belong here....i dont know if it is the feeling that i do not belong in west virginia, if i do not belong in someones life who i care deeply about, or...if its just that i do not belong on this earth and me being alive is causing pain and sorrow to those who do not need me around. i dont know its more or less the concept of being unhappy for so long that i dont know any diffrent. the last time i can say i was ever happy was back in 2000-2001....but that is another story for another day my friends....even tho i doubt anyone will ever read this cause i'll end up making it private at some point but oh well....one can think that someone would care right?
wondering lost in time forever more
Schala |
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| :: taps mic :: testing? |
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| 05:26pm 13/07/2004 |
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mood:  blank music: Enigma-Smell Of Desire
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bahh i really need to stop starting new journals....oh well this time i dont think i will close it down if people who shouldnt find it finds it. anyway nothing much to say here i just wanted ta make a first post, say if u dont really want a look into mah life (its really fucked up....no i mean REALLY fucked up) then u can go ahead and leave. i figured if i can move from cali away from the bs then i can start over with a new lj and say fuck it if it gets found. i am who i am, i guess things like what i want in life never changed now do they? meh on well maybe being away from the greatest cause of frustration and confusion will allow me to focus on what i want and move on with my life finally....
:: falls over laughing ::
yea i know i had to try right?
later
~<3
Schala |
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schala_k_zeal's journal